Reflection

"Do you think my nose is too flat?" Cathy asked, shifting her face left and right to find the right angle for a full view of her nose bridge.

Joanne, her best friend in her polytechnic, washed her hands at the basin and looked up at her friend's reflection.

"Please! If that's flat, mine is what?" She asked, pushing her nose down. "My nose will be like a pig's nose already."

Cathy sighed. "I feel so imperfect. My eyes! Look at them!" She cried and pushed the side of her eyes upwards. "I wish I have double eye lids and slits at the sides. That will make me look so damn sexy."

Joanne laughed and joked, "aiya, if you want it to be like that, you might as well go and do plastic surgery."

Cathy looked at her friend and grabbed her hands. "Yes! Maybe that's what I should do. I've been contemplating for like three years-"

"Stop! Please tell me you're not serious!" Joanne asked in shock, her eyes opening wide.

"I can't be more serious." Cathy replied and nudged her friend towards the exit of the ladies as some girls moved towards the basin area.

Once they were out, Cathy went on. "I've been thinking for the past three years." They started walking towards their next lecture hall. "I'm so damn tired of how I look. My eyes, my nose, my lips, my teeth... practically EVERYTHING. I'm so fucking flat chested too." She stopped her pace and looked down at her AA cup breasts she tried very hard to conceal by wearing A cup brassieres.

Joanne raised a palm to chin level and spoke in a diva-like attitude. "Puh-lease. You're perfectly fine! With your built, if you have a fucking D cup breasts, I will get freaked out okay? I mean, SERIOUSLY freaked out."

They arrived at the staircase leading to the lecture hall and Cathy sighed, hugging her file. "I don't know, Jo. My mind is in a mess. Ever since Matt dumped me I -"

"Don't mention that jerk. He is not even worth mentioning, okay? ANY guy who judges a girlfriend by her looks, are simply not worth your time and effort okay? If Matt wanted a sex bomb for a girlfriend, he shouldn't have chosen you right from the start. He was with you just because you're rich. You should have known that." Joanne interrupted, shaking her head.

Cathy was getting irritated. "Stop speaking of Matt like that. I know why you don't want me to do surgery. You're afraid I'll look better than you." She blurted and knew at that instance, she made a terrible, terrible mistake.

Joanne stopped at her pace abruptly and looked at her friend in shock, her eyes tinted with anger and disappointment.

"Look, Cathy Sim, the truth was plain and simple. Matt wanted you back then because you're just fucking rich, okay?! I stayed by you because I was your best friend. I've never thought you were ugly, and is this how you speak of me?! Am I such a person in your eyes?! Do you know what risks there are when you go for cosmetic surgeries?! I was concerned and all you cared about was yourself and what YOU think!" She retorted and raised a hand to stop Cathy from speaking. "Do whatever you want. I really don't wish to speak to you anymore."

With that, she jogged up the stairs and proceeded to the lecture hall alone.

Cathy stood at the side of stairway in tears. She wiped the snort off her nose as she turned her back towards a group of students coming up the staircase.

**********************************************

For three days, the two girls did not speak to each other. Cathy had attempted to create conversations between the both of them, but Joanne was still angry and had refused to reply to any of Cathy's approaches.

On the fourth day, Cathy decided to make the decision alone. She stared into the mirror at home for an entire hour, figuring every single spot on her face that required correction. After analysing thoroughly, she briefly took down the features she wanted to correct in a notepad.

She braced herself for the second blow when she approached her mother for a second opinion. She was confident her mother would disagree flatly upon this absurd request. However, she decided to do whatever she had to do to make herself beautiful.

"Mom," Cathy started, standing at the entrance of her parents' bedroom.

Her mother was doing her pedicure with her manicure artist, Phyllis. It was an awkward time to approach Mrs Sim, but Cathy felt it was also the best time because her mother, herself, believed in retail and beauty therapy.

"Oh, Cathy! My precious daughter! Come in! Do you want your nails done?" Mrs Sim asked generously with a wide smile. She was wearing a loose white shirt and hot pink tights. Her hair was permed with perfection, not a single strand was out of the way. Her small framed body was leaning comfortably against a massage chair with Phyllis kneeling on the floor, polishing the toenails with a thin layer of transparent nail polish.

Cathy stepped in and went forward to her mother. Phyllis gave her a smile and Cathy returned it politely. She sat on the edge of the king sized bed and placed a hand on her mother's.

"Mom, I've something to talk to you about." She spoke, almost inaudibly.

Her mother was admiring her new fingernails when she stopped to look at her daughter with queer. "What? What did you say?"

Cathy inhaled deeply. "I have something to say." She repeated, this time louder.

Mrs Sim giggled. "Oh, I thought what. Speak."

Whenever her daughter spoke like that, Mrs Sim always knew it was a favour. Since she was in a good mood, chances of approving any request is high.

"I want to do plastic surgery."

Phyllis heard that and painted the outside of the last second toe with a jerk. She looked up apologetically and proceeded to take a cotton pad from her work-box. "I'm so sorry." She repeated over and over again as she clumsily poured a small amount of nail polish remover from a small bottle.

Mrs Sim was speechless during the entire time, and was even unaware of Phyllis's mistake. For awhile, she thought she heard wrongly.

"Phyllis, did... did my daughter just said she wants to do plastic surgery?" She asked in disbelief, looking at the poor lady who was trying her best to salvage the mistake she made earlier on.

Phyllis looked at the lady and kept quiet. She went back to wiping the excess nail polish off the side of the toe.

"Cathy! What are you thinking?" Mrs Sim asked, her voice loud and clear. "Do you know what you're talking about?!"

Cathy grabbed her mother's hand, her eyes in tears. "Mom! Please help me! I feel so... so ugly and hideous if I don't do something about myself!"

Mrs Sim shifted the other hand over her daughter's. "Girl ah! You look fine! What's wrong with you?"

"I'm NOT fine! Look mom! Look at my eyes! They're TINY. Look at my nose! I don't even THINK I have a nose. And my lips! They're so thin! I don't even see my lips! And my teeth! You look! They're so crooked and yellow! I can't stand it anymore! Even my breasts are so small!" Cathy railed, ignoring the presence of the manicure artist who was trying her best to do her job despite the shouting.

Mrs Sim sat up and inhaled deeply. She withdrew her legs gently and dismissed Phyllis for a break downstairs for some tea before continuing with the pedicure later on. The manicurist nodded quietly and went downstairs.

When the door closed, Mrs Sim shifted her seat and faced her daughter who was filled with desperation to look better.

"Girl ah. You look okay to me. Why you want to do such things? You got see that Michael Jackson? You want your nose to fall off like his someday is it?!" She asked worriedly, her brows frowning.

Cathy shook her head. "Mommy! Michael Jackson did it in what? 1980?! It's 2008 now! It's different! It's not so painful now too. I really want to do it! Please support me!"

Mrs Sim looked away in despair. She knew her daughter well. Once Cathy sets her mind into doing something, she does it all the way.

She knew that her daughter had been toying with this idea for years, but she never really brought it up because she was not confident. Now, Mrs Sim knew that her daughter meant business and she can only encourage her.

************************************

That night during dinner, Mrs Sim brought the subject up to her husband.

"You know, it's not possible. I will support anything she does, but not this. This is way too much." He reasoned, scooping some soy sauce chicken onto his plate of half eaten rice.

Mrs Sim scooped a few more pieces of chicken bits and place it on her husband's plate. "She is really serious about it now. You know your daughter, if she wants to do something, she MUST do it. I don't want her to end up doing something stupid for the surgeries. You don't want anybody who knows you to come up to you and tell you your daughter is working as something unglamorous outside right?"

Mr Sim was quiet now. He scooped a spoonful of rice and fed himself.

He was a big man, with a balding head and a gold tooth. He had delibrately gone and extract a tooth for that, because his mother believed that a swelling belly and a gold tooth represent prosperity.

Mrs Sim knew that she hit the spot. To her husband, nothing mattered more than his own reputation in the business.

"How much?" He finally asked, lifting his bowl towards his lips to take a sip of the double brew chicken soup.

Mrs Sim placed her silver spoon by her plate and fiddled with the tablecloth's edge. "Cathy wants to change quite a few things, so it will cost about thirty thousand to forty."

Her husband nearly choked at his soup. Mrs Sim had to pat his back repeatedly to soothe the coughings. As soon as he could finally breathe normally, she passed a glass of water to her husband which Mr Sim took gratefully with a shakey hand.

"You must be crazy. Do you know how much money that is?" He finally spoke, taking a sip of clear water.

Mrs Sim went back to her chair beside her husband's and nodded. "Yes. But I'm willing to forego my mahjong and manicure sessions for a year. Just let her go. She just wants to be beautiful. You don't want her to keep blaming us for giving her the ugly features right?"

Mr Sim was getting angry. He slammed the glass on the table and looked at his wife. "What?! Blame us for giving her a face like that?! Who does she think she is?! We give her everything. A car, a room, a laptop, a walk-in wardrobe, a very expensive bathroom... we GAVE her everything, Amelia! What else does she want? Now she has the damn guts to say we gave her the ugly features?! Is this the way a daughter should speak to her parents?!"

"But-"

"No buts!" He stood up and threw his napkin on the table angrily. "It's all your fault Amelia! You keep spoiling her! Again and again! Is this how you teach your daughter? To spend forty thousand at the age of eighteen?! This is insane! I left you at home to educate Cathy and look what you've done!"

He stormed off into the study room and slammed the door hard enough for Mrs Sim to tremble in tears.

*******************************

Cathy heard the argument her parents had and she felt sorry for implicating her mother who did all she could to help her. She lay chest down on her bed, her head buried in her folded arms, and cried.

******************************

It was a Saturday the next day. Mr Sim and Mrs Sim were sitting outside their porch with a pot of tea and some kuehs, enjoying the breeze. Mr Sim was flipping through the papers, reading to his wife some news that were important. Amelia loved to listen when her husband speak. He always had this airs about him which attracted her since she was a teenage girl.

When he finally closed the newspaper and remove his spectacles, she spoke softly. "I've calculated last night. I got about twenty thousand with me. Can you just pump in another ten for Cathy? I really want to see her happy. She did not even have dinner last night. I had Armin send up the food and when I went upstairs this morning, the food was left untouched. I think she was really upset."

Her husband dropped three cubes of sugar into his tea and stirred it quietly.

"How? Please, Roger. I want Cathy to be happy." Amelia pleaded.

"Okay. I'll just pump in another ten thousand or so. Since you want to spoil her, you spoil her yourself. I'll just give what I can give. You know nowadays my business is not too good." Mr Sim finally relented before taking a sip of his tea.

Mrs Sim's face lit up and gave her husband a quick hug. "Oh, I love you, Roger! You're the best!" She cried happily and planted a kiss on his bald head.

**************************************
Cathy received the good news as soon as her mother finished her tea. She was ecstatic. Her dream was finally coming true.

*************************************

During the school holidays, Cathy spent most of her two months vacation in the hospital, going through several surgeries. In just two months, she did her eyes, nose, botox and lip fillers. By the time school re-opened, she looked totally different. In fact, even her ex best friend, Joanne, could barely recognise her.

*************************************
"Mom, a photographer from HER WORLD magazine wants me to model for a brand! He just called me!" Cathy gushed, running down the stairs into the living room. Her parents were eating grapes and watching the evening variety show.

Mrs Sim smiled. "Did you say yes?"

Cathy jumped in beside her mother and nodded. "Of course! Daddy, they know that I'm Roger Sim's daughter and would like to add a small interview as well. Isn't that marvellous? People will know about you and it'll help in your business alot."

Mr Sim laughed. "Then I have to thank you for being so nice."

Cathy felt happy. For once, she felt beautiful. She went back into her room and danced infront of the mirror. She looked closely and admired the flawless works of her surgeon. She pouted slightly and decided to get another dosage of lip filler tomorrow.

*******************************************

The day for the photoshoot arrived. Cathy went to the studio happily in a plain white tank top and jeans. The photographer welcomed her and shook her hand before asking her to proceed to the changing room.

She was guided to a small room with bright lights and racks of beautiful clothes. In there, she was greeted by several make up artists and some other models. She got dressed into a beautiful champagne evening gown and sat infront of the mirror. Her make up artist, Alicia, came up and started to work on her face.

"Oh, what pretty eyes you have! Not many Chinese have these eyes." Alicia gushed, spreading a thin layer of foundation over her face.

Cathy giggled.

"You look perfect, but if only you have bigger breasts. Look at this dress, it's hanging so loosely down your chest. I think Rim will have to photoshop that part." Alicia commented, applying loose powder over Cathy's cheeks.

Another model sitting beside her, Junni, smiled as her make up artist applied a light brown eyeshadow above her left eye.

"Being flat chested is very sad." She remarked.

Cathy looked at Junni using her side glance and spoke. "Most models are flat chested."

Junni stood up from her chair and laughed. "That was passe. Now, you've got to have the front and back to look sexy. It's how the market is nowadays. Wake up, baby."

With that, she sauntered out of the make up room.

Cathy gripped the arms of her chair and looked into the mirror as Alicia did her eyes quietly.

**********************************************

"Mom, I want to do my breasts." Cathy insisted, following her mother around the three storey bungalow. "I wanted to do it the last time but Doctor Rossi told me it will take more than two months to heal completely. So now, I want to do it."

Mrs Sim sat on a couch in the living room and Cathy follow suit, settling herself beside her mother.

"Girl ah. I gave you a pretty face. Now, you want pretty breasts too. What is wrong with you?" She asked, fanning herself with a magazine she was reading. "Armin! Turn on the aircon! So hot!" She shouted for her maid who came running out of the kitchen.

"Mom, please. Just one last surgery. I am like AA cup! I want at least a C cup. Please!" Cathy begged, almost on her knees.

Mrs Sim cooled down as the cool hair filled the room.

"Okay. Just one more. After that, stop bugging me to let you do this and that. Okay?"

*******************************************

Cathy went for her breasts surgery. Before the surgery, her doctor warned her of all the possible risks she might face and that the operation will be slightly more complicated than the eyes and nose.

After they reached a certain understanding, Cathy proceeded with the surgery.

******************************************

The surgery was a success. During the recovery stage, her breasts were starting to take form. They appeared firm and larger than usual. Cathy had requested for a generous C cup, but was rejected by her doctor because it would be dangerous to increase the size of the breasts drastically from cup AA to cup C. Hence, they settled for cup B which Cathy found no reason to complain about.

After the seventh week of the surgery, Cathy was starting to feel pain on her left nipple and sometimes, it would get unbearably painful at night when she slept sideway.

"Cathy, I think the tissue in your left breast is not accepting the sillicon very well. It's showing signs of rejection." Doctor Rossi explained after the test conclusions were out.

Cathy looked at her doctor worriedly. "But my right breast is fine!"

"Yes, yes," the doctor replied, playing with her pen. "But your left breast is not. So, we have to operate on your breasts again to take out the sillicon pads."

The young girl started crying. "What about my other breast?"

Doctor Rossi sighed. "I'm sorry to tell you these, but such rejection are relatively minimal. Guess you're unlucky. I've to take out both sillicons for you to look normal as a woman, then I will reconstruct your breasts to firm up the tissue and allow them to recover. We can't keep those sillicons inside, it might cost your life. We must do it soon."

Cathy covered her face in her hands and cried for a long time.

*********************************************

It has been six years since that surgery. Cathy regretted every moment of it, having to step in and out of the hospital to reconstruct her breasts once in awhile. Each time she looked in the mirror, she would cry at her sorry state. Her breasts were no longer small and beautiful. They are now saggy and deformed.

She met a lady at the hospital once, waiting to see the doctor to talk about breasts reconstruction and surgery.

Out of goodwill, she told the lady.

"Don't do it. You're beautiful the way you are. Don't be like me." With that, she pulled down her button blouse and revealed her deformed left breast to the shocked lady. "Six years, and I'm still paying for this price. Don't regret it."

The lady thanked Cathy and left the hospital shortly after canceling her appointment with her doctor.