Ah Mei

The cool breeze caused a little flutter at Ah Mei's long flower skirt as she sat on the parapet of her 12th storey HDB flat.

A small smile was fixed on her chubby face as she closed her eyes and fully enjoyed the triumph of being high up from everyone.

After humming her favourite childhood song, she plunged down.

******************************

Earlier during the day, Ah Mei was at the factory. She was a salaried worker for a fishball factory near Chua Chu Kang. The working environment was ideal because it was near her four room HDB flat, probably ten minutes by foot, or even less than five when she took a bus.

Her work started at five in the morning. It had to be early because the fishballs had to be sent out to different supermarkets and suppliers at eight daily. Ah Mei decided to work the morning shift this week because she did the night shift for a consecutive of two weeks. Night shifts always earned her extra money. If times were good, the night shift workers got almost a hundred to two hundred dollars extra at the end of each month. Hence, many people volunteered to work the tedious night shifts.

At nine, the factory released the workers out for breakfast down at the canteen. The canteen would be packed with middle aged ladies and men, chattering and drinking their coffees from tin cans. Ah Mei sat at a corner table and unwrapped her packet of fried carrot cake. She was famished, but she lost her appetite at the thought of an ended relationship with her boyfriend.

"What have I done wrong?" Ah Mei cried as she held her handphone close to her ear.

"Stop wailing! That's all you know how to do! Cry, cry, cry! I've had enough. We're not suitable for each other. Bye!" The other party on the other end of the reciever shouted and slammed the phone down.

Ah Mei held on to the phone and continued crying her night away.

The thought of last night overwhelmed the twenty four year old girl as she ate her carrot cake in tears. After the third forkful, she decided to give up and threw the packet of carrot cake into the bin.

The day ended at three for Ah Mei. As she made her way to the market to stock up some groceries for her family, she saw Teck Soon, her ex boyfriend, sitting at one of the coffeeshops with a group of girls. His arm was dangling comfortably on a girl's shoulders.

Ah Mei stopped her pace and looked at the man who used to tell her she was beautiful even though nobody in this world thought so. Tears welled her eyes as she found herself transfixed onto the ground. Her feet refused to move. She stood right there and looked at the carefree man enjoying the company of skanky and skinny girls.

Home, to Ah Mei, was not a place of solace. She might not have mentioned it, but she hated her home. Her mother was an executive at a large company where status mattered, whereas her father was an engineer for a prestigous airline. Their family was considered well-off as compared to their neighbours.

Ah Mei had a younger sister, Yin Lian, who recently changed her name to Roxy. She was funky, cool and popular. Most importantly, she was skinny and beautiful. Although Roxy was a good four years younger than Ah Mei, she knew alot more than she did. Ah Mei was never academically inclined.

"I bought lunch," Ah Mei went home and found her sister watching some Taiwan drama on television. She took out a packet of rice and passed it to her sister.

Roxy, painting her last nail and without looking at her sister, replied, "put it behind me."

Ah Mei did what she was told and went into the kitchen to put the groceries down. The weight of the groceries was taxing. Especially when she weighed ninety kilograms. Her weight was starting to take a toll on her. She found herself tired very easily and the back of her feet was starting to crack.

"What happened to you and your boyfriend? He usually comes home with you," Roxy asked as she opened her packet of rice and wrinkled her nose in disgust, "yucks! Curry! Do you know how fattening it is to eat all that rice and curry?" She pushed the packet away and stood up, "you can have that. I'll go cook some instant noodles."

Ah Mei sat down infront of the the packet of rice that her sister left open. She took a spoonful of rice covered with thick curry sauce and ate it. She could never understand her skinny sister. Curry had got to be one of the best food around, but her mother and sister could never understand it.

"So how?" Roxy shouted from the kitchen, "where is your boyfriend? Dumped you already ah?"

Ah Mei choked at the rice and coughed out loud.

Her younger sister stood at the entrance of the kitchen and laughed, "I told you right? Guys will never like fat girls. They are really superficial, but you were that stupid to believe that stupid guy will stay by you. Come on, Jie (dialect for calling an older sister)! Be practical alright? Guys are pure horny by nature and they lust over girls." She said all knowingly, flipping her long hair behind her shoulders. "So what makes you think that guy will actually stick with you? Do you really believe that looks didn't matter?" She continued and walked back into the kitchen, "stop being naive. You're damn stupid, that's all I can say."

Ah Mei was already crying, but her sister did not realise that. What her younger sister said totally depicted what happened to her. She was starting to believe that she was really stupid and naive.

She stood up and went into her room. She had enough for lunch. She knew something was very wrong with herself when she lost appetite for everything. Food meant the world to her when she was happy, but now, it meant nothing to her. Ah Mei sat on the bed and pondered over what her sister had said.

It was true, men are pure superficial creatures that lurk around beautiful women. Otherwise, Teck Soon would not have lied to her and had refused to touch her the past six months. They only held hands when no one was looking, and kissed when they were at her house. Ah Mei thought he respected her. Now, she knew why. It was simply because she was not attractive.

She curled herself up on the bed and sobbed herself to sleep.

****************************

"Wake up!"

Ah Mei was woken up by a hard blow behind her back. It was her mother.

"You're really like a pig! You eat and sleep! That's all you do! Can't you even exercise abit? You want to be so fat until you cannot move is it?!" Her mother shouted and continued hitting Ah Mei until her daughter sat up groggily.

Her mother's perfume was strong enough to make Ah Mei sneeze non-stop for two minutes.

It took her awhile to realise her mother was still dressed in her office wear, standing by her bed with her arms akimbo. As usual, her mother's hair was never out of place. She was very beautiful for a fifty year old.

"Mommy," Ah Mei greeted as she got out of bed quickly.

Another blow hit Ah Mei's head from behind. "Are you a pig?! I really regret giving birth to you! You're such a disgrace! You're nothing in this world! Did you realise that?! You only have N level certificate with you! What can you do?! Work at a factory! That's all you can do! Is that what you want to do all your life?" Her mother continued shouting.

Ah Mei kept quiet. Her mother never failed to remind her how useless she was everyday. It was a matter of getting used to it. However, Ah Mei was not in the best of moods to accept all that criticism positively. At least not today.

Her mother sat on the bed, exasperated. Beads of perspiration formed on top of her upper lip.

"Really! I don't know what I did in my past life to have you as my daughter! Cannot study, cannot slim down, and so stupid! Let other men cheat, and still so stupid!"

That was it. Her mother knew. Of course. Roxy could never keep anything to herself. Especially things that wouldl ruin Ah Mei's evening.

"That's it. I don't know what to do with you. You want to rot away, continue to be this way! I'm not going to bother about you!" Her mother railed and stomped out of the room. "Go look at your fat daughter!" Ah Mei heard her mother shouting from the kitchen, most likely to her father. "Useless, useless, useless!"

Ah Mei looked at herself through the full-length mirror. Still dressed in her factory blue uniform, she felt disgusted at what she saw. Her short hair was messed up from the sleep and her face was chubby. Beneath the clothes, lay two layers of fats and sparetyres Ah Mei hated. Her storky legs did not make her feel better. Nothing about her looked appealing to her.

She stayed in her room the entire evening. She could hear her sister's laughter tingling from the living room. Ah Mei could almost see through her room door how happy the family was without her. Her father, tall and handsome, sitting on his Osim massage chair, her mother, doing her facial mask, lying on the sofa doing her nightly leg lifts, and her beautiful sister munching on a bag of chips, enjoying the comedy variety shows being aired on Channel U every Friday evening.

Everything out of her room seemed perfect. Suddenly her presence did not matter so much anymore. She stopped feeling the need to live. Teck Soon had moved on happily without her. Her heart ached as she recalled how happy Teck Soon was this afternoon, busking in the scent of beautiful ladies. No amount of tears could bring him back, but Ah Mei could not control her sobs any further.She hated to say that, but she hated her life.

She took out her old diary and flipped open to the last page. She had skipped almost half a diary of empty pages, but she felt that her life had come to a fullstop. There was no need for her to fill in the other half of her blue diary.

Dear Diary,
So, it has come to an end. Tan Swee Mei's life has come to an end. Even if I'm gone, life still goes on for everyone. Maybe, they might be happier. Teck Soon, Mommy, Daddy and Roxy...

I lived 24 years of my life standing alone, even in Secondary school, people loved making fun of me. I've been worthless since 12. I couldn't even make it to the Express stream. Mommy hated me from there. I knew it. I just didn't want to face it. I hoped for four years for mommy to love me back, but I guess she didn't, especially after I failed my O levels and could only enrol myself into an ITE.

To mommy and daddy, being in an ITE was a shame. Their friends' children were from elite schools, doing their degrees now. They hardly brought me up infront of their friends. Roxy was mainly their pride. Well, it's not that I'm jealous or anything, but Roxy is indeed, beautiful and smart. I am just praying that Roxy will grow up to take care of our parents when she's successful someday.

Teck Soon was the only man who I loved. He might not have felt the same way, but to me, the short 6 months was pure bliss even though there were days he ignored my calls and messages. I knew, deep in my heart, that during the nights he didn't respond to me, he was with other girls, but I had refused to believe. As long as he comes back to me in the day, whatever he did at night, I could pretend not to know.

But he couldn't do it for long. He left me. The only guy who might have lied about me being beautiful, have left me. The last hope in my life, have left me. The only friend I had, have left me.

Now, I'm single, alone, and unloved. Life is meaningless without love. After all, I'm just someone who is useless and stupid. Nobody loves me.

I will leave this world in my favourite flower skirt and white blouse. Those were given to me by my favourite Aunt Lin. Did I tell you about her yet? She's beautiful to me, although mommy hates her as well because she is fat. But, Aunt Lin has such a beautiful soul, I think she's going to be an angel when she joins me up there.

I've to go now. I will leave my diary behind as a memory of me. I guess no one will ever read this. Who cares about my life?

I'll make sure to go in my most beautiful suit and smelling at my best. It's important to look your best when you're meeting your maker. Right?

And Diary, thanks for staying by me all these years. You've been a good friend.


Yours,
Mei.